Dealing with death and honouring loss

Writing my first Jivamukti Focus of the Month:

Love('s) Grief

photo credit: Luisa Carpio

Last year, when my dear friend, teacher, and mentor Jules invited me to write a Jivamukti Focus of the Month, he asked me to submit 3 potential themes, but truthfully, the subject of grief was what was the most present in my mind and heart at the time. I remember thinking to myself, "I would like to write something inspiring but all I can think about is death and loss." My hope is that in the end, I was able to do both.

As is the case with many of life’s experiences, we can’t fully grasp something until we live through it ourselves. This is particularly true for moments of great transformation. Whether they be joyful, (falling in love, achieving a lofty goal, creating new life) or heartbreaking (going through a divorce, losing your job, the passing of a loved one). The ups and downs take us on an emotional roller coaster and though we may understand intellectually that each of these moments is fleeting and impermanent, the challenging, painful (“duḥkha”) experiences, can feel like they linger or persist, while the happy, joyful (“sukha”) moments can seem to fly by.

When my sister passed away after a nearly 6-year long battle with brain cancer I was overcome with profound sadness and grief. My therapist told me, “The grief will last as long as the love.” and my first thought was “Oh no! That means forever!” As I sat with and contemplated what she said, it began to make total sense, because the sadness and grief are reflections of the joy and love I will always have for her. They are in fact 2 halves of a whole, 2 sides of a coin, that together they make up the fullness of human experience. If there had not been love, there would not have been sadness. 

(read the full Jivamukti Focus essay here)

I've experienced different kinds of loss in the past—falling out with a friend, a breakup, not getting a job—as well as the loss of different people and loved ones in my life, such as a grandparent, an aunt and beloved pets. However, the passing of my sister was especially difficult to bear and I found myself dealing with layers upon layers of profound grief, which I continue to face.

Death is difficult for people to talk about. Some tried to offer words of comfort or solace, but in my state of grief and despair, they often felt empty and trite—or artificially positive, as if to gloss over the sadness. However, there were a few people near and dear to me who were able to support me through sharing their wisdom and personal experiences. And, of course, there was the yoga practice to carry me through it all.

Writing this essay was a labour of love—challenging to put into words, yet healing and cathartic at the same time. It allowed me to acknowledge my grief, sadness, and anger—and to recognize them as expressions of love, joy, and empathy. It gave me the chance to honour the loss of my sister and hopefully provided some insight, inspiration and comfort to others that I also needed myself.

One thing Jules invited me to contemplate, which brought me consolation, was how lucky I am to have loved someone so deeply that I feel the weight of their loss just as profoundly. It brings to mind a quote by A.A. Milne, author of Winnie the Pooh:

"How lucky I am to have something that makes saying goodbye so hard."

I will be holding a special by donation class honouring loss, in memory of my sister. Find out all the details here.